It has been a month since I was given the diagnosis of bipolar and began the medication treatment. I am still pretty unsure about it all with the exception of the diagnosis. There’s no doubt I’m bipolar…but what exactly does it mean for me, and for my future?
I’m learning the answers to those questions daily. Today is a hypomanic day filled with frustrated energy, auditory sensitivity, and loads of emotions. I’ve been up since 6am, brain pulling in a million different directions, trying to convince my inflammation filled Lupus body it can actually do more than it thinks it can. My mind is ready to tackle every obstacle, yet my body needs rest.
Tomorrow may be completely different, I don’t know yet, nor am I going to worry about it, but it’s likely. When I was first diagnosed I could only see the big sweeps and swings, now I see the differences over all and between day-to-day. It’s a whole new me…yet one that makes complete sense at the same time.
As I learned in Recovery, one day at a time, take each day for what it is, and keep moving forward. It is all I can do. I’m living today as the best day I can, and not stressing about tomorrow.
Self-awareness in the moment is important though, as long as I’m not blame shifting and hyper-aware. Bipolar is a part of who I am, therefore I am responsible for my actions. However, my responsibility is to see it, not fix it. My brain is wired differently than most, I have less impulse control, my mind races in a million different directions, and I love it! I thrive off it! There are consequences when I don’t keep it in check though: my family suffers, I suffer, and bad things can happen. I need to see it, to acknowledge it, and communicate it to those around me.
Learning to live a new life with bipolar is actually learning to accept the same old me through different colored lenses. I am still me, I’m no different, I just have new knowledge to assist me moving forward in my life.